


eeps and faahkks

by shakeit_dontbreakit



Category: Wanna One (Band)
Genre: 2park, Comedy of Errors, Crack, Humor, M/M, Onghwang, just laugh, minhyun ships 2park, straight up pureass crack, this is more than crack its absurdity, this isn't supposed to make sense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-12
Updated: 2018-02-12
Packaged: 2019-03-17 02:48:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13649856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shakeit_dontbreakit/pseuds/shakeit_dontbreakit
Summary: “Hey, sorry I put the pin—I don’t know what happened actually, but I guess I mispinned? Hah.” Minhyun starts, folding himself into the backseat and slamming the door behind him. “I’m Minhyun.”He makes eye contact with the driver in the rear-view mirror and raises his eyebrows despite himself. The young man is much more handsome than he was in the picture provided by the rideshare app, though Minhyun supposes some people just look better in person. He’s all sharp angles, skinny, with perfect eyebrows and clever eyes. Attractive, to be sure. Also confused.“… I’m Seongwoo…?” He responds with a wary voice, tilting his head oddly and keeping exact eye contact with Minhyun through the mirror.





	eeps and faahkks

**Author's Note:**

> YES THIS IS THE EXACT PLOT OF A PARTICULAR AIRLINE COMMERCIAL A WHILE AGO BUT IT IS PURE GOLD i acknowledge that i'm basically stealing the plot but that premise deserved onghwang anyway
> 
> this is crack. trust me, if i were to write a bank robbery it would be less idiotic than this

For the third time in two minutes Minhyun digs his phone out of his pocket to check the status of his ride. He ordered the car exactly seven minutes ago, a silver 2017 Honda Civic, driven by a average-looking male around his age. According to his phone the car is still five minutes out but Minhyun knows from experience the timing on rideshare apps is more of an art than a science and more of a clusterfuck than an art.

Without realizing he’s doing it Minhyun slips his phone into his jacket once more, caught in this cycle of check phone, pocket, unpocket, check, then pocket again. It’s idiotic, and he even knows he’s just going to fish for it again in t-minus forty seconds. Minhyun isn’t even late to anything, he’s just going across town, to the opening of an Ikebana exhibit his local barista mentioned to him this morning.  

Leaning attractively against one of the trees on the front sidewalk of his apartment building while he waits, Minhyun fails to acknowledge a trio of quite pretty girls who walk by, one of them giggling behind her hand and the other two blushing sweetly and laughing. Minhyun takes out his phone to check the status of his ride—3 minutes out—before searching on his phone for more information about Ikebana and the exhibit in particular.

He’s just getting to an article about the 5 most beautiful Ikebana presentations of all time when a text bubble pops up at the top of his phone, and he taps into it before really reading who it’s from. Ah, it’s just Sungwoon, his roommate, complaining about a busy shift at his part-time job.

Minhyun humors him, knowing Sungwoon just hates his job and that he’s probably doing really well at it despite all his grumbles. This text conversation goes back and forth before with a jolt of mild panic Minhyun realizes he hasn’t checked on the status of his ride in a whole minute.

According to the application it’s still three minutes out, stuck at a street light in the exact spot he had been. Something catches his eyes about the map though, specifically the spot he assigned for pick up.

Oh.

Oh no.

That’s not his apartment. The pickup location is a block and a half away, slightly up the hill to his right and kitty-corner to a cute drag with a small bank, a bustling bakery, and a struggling pet store. With a little yelp he pockets his phone and starts to jog down the sidewalk before darting across the street and trudging up the hill that leads to where he has accidentally told his driver to go.

2017 Honda Civic. Silver, driven by a man his age. He keeps this in mind as he finally makes it to the top of the hill and sees the car waiting for him. Waving his arms wildly to get his attention, Minhyun slows his jog and clutches at a stitch in his side from the sudden bout of running.

The car is nice, looks new or at the very least clean. He squints as he gets closer and nods to himself when he can see the back of the driver’s dark-haired head. In a few more seconds Minhyun reaches the car and pulls open the back door facing the sidewalk with an apologetic laugh.

“Hey, sorry I put the pin—I don’t know what happened actually, but I guess I mispinned? Hah.” Minhyun starts, folding himself into the backseat and slamming the door behind him. “I’m Minhyun.”

He makes eye contact with the driver in the rear-view mirror and raises his eyebrows despite himself. The young man is much more handsome than he was in the picture provided by the rideshare app, though Minhyun supposes some people just look better in person. He’s all sharp angles, skinny, with perfect eyebrows and clever eyes. Attractive, to be sure. Also confused.

“… I’m Seongwoo…?” He responds with a wary voice, tilting his head oddly and keeping exact eye contact with Minhyun through the mirror.

What on earth is happening? “I’m going to the warehouse district—Ikebana exhibit on the waterfront.”

“That’s… nice.” Seongwoo narrows his eyes before they bug out in dramatic realization. “This… this isn’t your ride…?”

Huh? “What do you mean?”

They’re caught in a strange staring contest through the mirror before Seongwoo decides to set him straight, still with that confused inflection. “I’m not your driver? I’m… just a regular guy. Car owner. Temporary loiterer.”

Mortification shoots through Minhyun like a bolt of lightning and a silent, embarrassing moment passes before sudden blurs of movement track in both of his peripherals. With a bang, two young men with matching black balaclavas open both back doors in unison, yelling over each other with different words but with the exact same level of panic. It’s all very sudden—too sudden for him to react properly.

So, being the polite idiot he was raised to be, Minhyun scooches into the middle seat to make room for the two noisy newcomers. The one who entered on his left side tosses a large, heavy canvas bag at him that he catches it out of reflex.

"Go go go fuck we gotta GO!" Shouts the one on his right. The other one smacks the back of Seongwoo’s seat perfectly in time with the other’s pleading. They both take their masks off, again in unison, and Minhyun is a little impressed with their coordination despite the dawning fact that he may be in the middle of a robbery.

The driver sends an ambiguously alarmed expression at Minhyun then at the two young men in the back before nodding to himself and impulsively going pedal to the floor with a battlecry of sheer exhilaration. Wait, wait, _what?_

They drive for a noisy block and a half before Seongwoo takes a hard right turn, smushing the three in the back closer together with the inertia. It’s not until he corrects himself that he asks, “Wait, where’s Guanlin?”

The two kids on either side of Minhyun fall deadly silent. “About that…” Mutters the tan, dark-haired one, his gaze dropping to his feet.

“… he knows what he signed up for.” Finishes the one on his left, smaller and prettier and lacking any of the remorse eating at the other.

"You _left him?_ You left my perfect baby bird? Oh my GOD you absolute _monsters._ I am turning this getaway around and—" Sirens interrupt him and it only takes a whole heartbeat for Seongwoo to change his tune. "You know what, Guanlin is a capable, resourceful kid. You’re right, we have to fucking _run.”_

"WE KNOW.” They berate in unison. The pretty one even kicks the back of Seongwoo’s seat for emphasis.

Minhyun just clutches the bag closer to his chest, looking between the two on his right and left. Whatever is in the bag rustles like stacks of paper and after feeling it up a bit more Minhyun becomes convinced it’s filled with small bundles of cash. That or small, cash-sized packets of coupons, which given the context actually seems much less likely.

He's definitely in the middle of a bank robbery.

Seongwoo keeps driving, occasionally glancing into his side mirrors and over his shoulder for the telltale sirens with little _eep_ s and _faahk_ s, temporarily forgetting that Minhyun is in his car. In his getaway car. Getting away from a _bank robbery_. By now they’re a good mile or so from Minhyun’s apartment and not like it really matters at this point, but they’re heading in the exact opposite direction of the Ikebana exhibit.

“Holy shit, Jihoon, he’s calling. Guanlin is calling me.” The darker one mutters, holding out his phone for the pretty one to look at. “Wh-what do we… I mean do we pick up?”

“No, if they have him they might trying to trace the call.” Jihoon warns with a bite in his words that doesn’t match the sweetness of his appearance. The other boy frowns deeply before hovering his thumb over the answer button but Jihoon is having none of it. “Woojin, don’t you fucking dare.”

“Well it could be… not a trap.” Woojin suggests lamely. Minhyun shoots Seongwoo another glance through the mirror only to see the driver worrying his bottom lip between his teeth as his eyes dart quickly over his dashboard, to his mirrors, to the road ahead, and eventually meeting Minhyun’s eyes. He winces and looks away immediately.

Not knowing quite what to make of that Minhyun physically retreats into himself and hugs the large bag of cash into his chest.

“Don’t answer it, Woojin.” Seongwoo joins the conversation, barrelling through quiet residential side streets at nearly twice the speed he should be going and finally making it out onto a long stretch of road that leads to the highways. “Our baby is dead to us now.”

“Or maybe he’s hiding in some shitty alleyway, hoping beyond hope we’ll pick up and come back for his skinny ass.” Jihoon ventures contrarily, a full 180 degree turn from his attitude before.

“The fuck do you want me to do then!?” Woojin hisses and overwhelmed by the mixed messages he ends up chucking the phone at Jihoon. He isn’t watching his partner so the phone bounces off Jihoon’s car door before falling to the floor on his side of the car. Minhyun hopes the screen didn’t crack.

Jihoon is now focused on Seongwoo as he takes what even Minhyun knows is a misguided turn onto a highway ramp leading out of town. “Hyung! What the hell, why'd you get on the highway? We'll hit the tolls in like two minutes!”

"I—I don't know, I’m a little fluSTERED RIGht nOW!”

What wholly incompetent thieves. If Minhyun wasn’t holding a bag of crisp cash he might think he was being pranked. He’s still surprised he’s being so calm, but that’s arguably the best way to handle this situation—with flabbergasted composure. He is actually the calmest in this situation despite being the only victim of it.

Minhyun can see the Ikebana another day—these three really need some help getting away with their felony. Already implicated, Minhyun realizes he might as well lend what assistance he can and lets out the smallest of sighs before clearing his throat once. It’s too quiet so he does it again, louder this time. All three turn to look at him, Seongwoo through the mirror for a short moment before turning his eyes back to the road.

"He's right, you're not going to get through the toll booth." Minhyun advises lightly and Jihoon narrows his eyes at him. “You really have to turn off soon, like… get in the fast lane. Use the carpool.”

"We're not a carpool though," Seongwoo mutters quietly, hunching his shoulders and shooting Minhyun another split second glance.

"WE _ARE_ A CARPOOL, HYUNG!” Woojin bellows at the same time Jihoon shouts, “YOU FUCKING NERD, HYUNG.”

“Okay, okay! Watch your language and calm the fuck down!" Seongwoo makes a quick series of aggressive merges towards the carpool lane. “We totally got this. We will live to remember our lost maknae.”

Minhyun, now committed to this nonsense, shifts in his seat a bit before placing the bag of stolen money across his lap and weaves his fingers together on top of it. On his left Jihoon eyes him warily, looking for all the world like he wants to eject him from the vehicle but it’s Woojin who actually uses words to question the situation.

“Seongwoo-hyung, who is this guy?”

 _This guy_ , Minhyun laughs to himself. _Just the fool who accidentally kidnapped himself._

“That’s Minhyun.” Seongwoo answers as simply as Woojin had asked. Minhyun is strangely pleased he remembered his name.

“If you hang out in this lane for a bit, it’ll automatically turn you away from the tolls.” Minhyun advises with a sweet smile aimed only at Seongwoo. “If you tell me where you’re headed, I can get you there.”

Minhyun has watched enough crime procedural dramas to have a pretty good handle on what it takes to get away with robbing a bank. This team is not doing very well so far, except for the surprising fact that Jihoon and Woojin (and the abandoned Guanlin, poor kid) actually managed to rob the bank in the first place.

Seongwoo opens his mouth to speak, his eyes honest, but Jihoon tramples all over whatever he was going to say. “Like _fuck_ we’re going to tell you.”

By now Seongwoo has completely taken Minhyun’s advice and is now streaming down the curving road that splits off from the highway. “Uh, well, it’s a bit out of reach now. Hah, yeah, to be honest I don’t even know where we are.”

“Look, guys, you don’t have to trust me—”

“—we _don’t._ ” Jihoon growls, but both Woojin and Seongwoo look to be hanging on Minhyun’s every word by now, the former even nodding rapidly.

“But I _also_ do not want to go to jail. So let’s just work together here.”

Seongwoo taps his fingers rhythmically on the steering wheel before swooping in for an assist. “Our Minhyun thought this was the car he ordered. He’s as felony-fucked as the rest of us.” After a laugh he meets Minhyun’s eyes through the mirror again. “Don’t worry, I’m not going to charge you for the ride.”

Well that’s quite a sweet gesture. This is a ridiculous situation but nothing feels dangerous yet. In fact it still feels like a farce, mainly for the fact that Jihoon, Woojin, and Seongwoo are all strikingly attractive in their own ways and it feels like he’s being pranked by the actual actors of a TV show he doesn’t watch.

“You should get into the middle lane.” Minhyun suggests calmly, pointedly ignoring the electricity in Jihoon’s eyes.

“Hyung are you, fuck, are you actually going to listen to this _stranger?”_

“I’m not—” Seongwoo merges aggressively into the middle lane. “—hearing any _better_ _suggestions_ —” He shifts gears dramatically. “—AM I, JIHOON?”

Wait. Is Seongwoo even in charge here? Jihoon seems to have the most aggressive charisma but that isn’t necessarily indicative of team leadership _—_ it’s more likely bluster to cover his shame of leaving someone behind. On his right Woojin has been alternating between staring deeply out the window and casting Minhyun these wary, almost hopeful glances. They’re clearly good kids when it comes down to it, and it is also worth noting that Seongwoo is almost exactly his type.

They’re really too cute not to help.

“You should take the next left.” He proposes lightly. Jihoon practically bares his teeth at him but holds his tongue after Woojin shoots him a placating glance. The behavior is surprising, considering Minhyun pegged Jihoon to be the dominant personality between the two.

“I’m Woojin.” Woojin introduces himself quietly, with the sincere effort of someone both naturally shy and good natured. Minhyun shoots him a sweet, closed-eyed smile before seeing Woojin lean forward in his seat and glare pointedly at Jihoon.

Minhyun follows his gaze to the man on his left, who has actually crossed his arms over his chest with a soft huff and is engaging in a strangely charged staring contest with Woojin by now. Yet another cute Jihoon-Woojin interaction.

Woojin wins the strange battle of gazes and Jihoon purses his lips and rolls his eyes before looking out the window. “Jihoon.”

“Seongwoo!” Seongwoo sings sweetly from the front and for some reason Minhyun feels his ears turn red.

He’s in it to help them win it, so he re-introduces himself. “Minhyun.”

“Good, we’re all friends now.” Seongwoo summarizes with a soft smile. The cheer doesn’t quite reach his eyes and Minhyun takes the bag of cash from his lap and places it neatly on the floor while in the same motion leaning forward.

“Keep driving like, ten minutes this way, there’s a really twisted forest road that—”

“Sorry, _Minhyun_ ,” Jihoon over-emphasizes his name, making it apparent that they are, in fact, not friends. “But we still have no reason to trust you.”

Both Seongwoo and Woojin burst out with exasperated reprimands in unison and Minhyun winces. “Well,” He starts calmly, somehow silencing the others. “What would you have us do?”

“Not have you in the fucking car, for one.” Jihoon’s vitriol has no effect now that Minhyun knows that the sweet, peaceable Woojin seems to have a strange control over Jihoon’s temper.

And here Minhyun thought things had been getting a little bit better here in the backseat of the criminal getaway car. He remains leaning forward in order to shoot Seongwoo an expression he hopes manages to convey ‘this kid, though, right?’ and Minhyun’s heart quivers a bit when Seongwoo rolls his eyes handsomely with a fond sigh.

 _“Jihoon no. Don’t. Don’t you dare."_ Woojin is saying. Minhyun doesn’t heed the warning in the young man’s words and is content to lean just a bit further forward in order to check out Seongwoo’s sharp profile.

As though sensing the gaze, Seongwoo risks a whole moment to make true, unmirrored eye contact with him before shooting him an embarrassed smile and turning his attention back to the road.

“So, full disclosure, I don’t know what to do with you.” Seongwoo starts, seemingly braver when he’s not looking directly at him. “We’re not going to kill you or anything, but… dear lord what a clustermotherfuck up this has turned into."

 _“I’m serious, Jihoon, you better not."_ Woojin’s words seem far away now that he’s leaning up into the front seats.

“I have nothing to say about that. Is this your first heist?” Minhyun is curious, still focusing wholly on Seongwoo. This is not a very good showing although he privately acknowledges that he doesn’t really have a baseline for what defines a successful getaway.

 _“Just try to stop me.”_ Says Jihoon, and Minhyun should really be paying attention to the backseat dynamics this time but there is no question he would rather be interacting with Seongwoo.

“Surprisingly, no, but I’ll avoid any of those dirty details.” Seongwoo admits with a shy little laugh. “We’re still ironing out the kinks. Clearly, considering we lost our maknae and picked up a dumbass stray in the same breath.”

Whatever is brewing in the backseat suddenly comes to a head. Woojin makes a lunge at Jihoon behind Minhyun’s back, causing him to turn his head back to observe the scuffle. It’s all too late—Jihoon is toting what looks like very much like a heavy-duty taser, and by the time Minhyun realizes he’s the target it is far too late to dodge.

With a strength that belies his beauty, Jihoon digs the taser deep into Minhyun’s side. After a brief experience of electricity somehow both perfectly numbing and very painful, he stops understanding anything else. He flops sluggishly back into his seat, shadows gathering at the edges of his eyes as he tries to blink, to move, _anything._ What th—did Jihoon just _tase_ him?

 _“WHAT, no NO, why? No, d-don’t—”_ Woojin is in the middle of a noisy admonishment when Jihoon shocks Minhyun  _again._

With that second jolt, Minhyun’s consciousness flicks clean off.

 

 

Minhyun wakes up on a park bench with deep pain in his ribs both sharp and dull. There’s a jacket draped over his body and a rolled-up scarf beneath his head acting as a poor pillow. After blinking a few thousand times, he tries to sit up but his ribs twinge in protest so he decides to remain in place.

Ow. What happened? Why the hell is he on a park bench? Also, where—Minhyun stops the deluge of thoughts when he feels the panic start to build in his chest. Instead he holds himself still and tries to determine a few facts that might illustrate where he is and what on earth happened.The day is late, the cloudless blue sky above him slowly drifting into the light yellows and grapefruit pinks of sunset. He feels heavy, but Minhyun links that less to any wild night than the fact that he got tased. Twice.

With the resolution of this thought comes a waterfall of relevant information. He got into a car thinking it was the one he ordered, and it turned out to be driven by a man euql parts handsome and cute at the wheel of a bank robbery getaway car. Wow. That almost seems too ridiculous to be true, but the more he thinks back the more details he can recall that support his patchy memories.

By the time he’s put his mess of thoughts into their appropriate boxes, Minhyun is full-on laughing out loud. He starts to pat his body down, to try to take stock of what he’s been left with.

There’s a note in the chest pocket of his button-down, a red square napkin folded in the shape of a heart. There’s also one of the wads of stolen cash in the same pocket. Still lying on his back on the bench, Minhyun secures the money into a less-obvious pocket and holds the paper heart up above his face with a smile he cannot stop from spreading. He carefully unfolds the note and wheezes out loud at the very first line.

_My dear, self-kidnapping Minhyun,_

_Sorry about Jihoon tasing you, he can be a bit of a hothead but then again we did equip him with a super-taser so that’s kind of on us. We all agree (him included) that two shots was a bit of an overkill and I want you to know that he is a bit sorry about it. Only a bit though, that brat._

_But yes! We are criminals, and we’re normally much better at it than you got to observe. Here’s a thick wad of cash to keep you cute and quiet, though something tells me that might be your natural state of being._

_I’ve included one of my secret numbers below, call me if you dare. I’d like to get to know you in a less… kidnappy way. Unless you liked that, which would… I mean I’m not here to kinkshame or anything, but I mean a date, if that’s cool. Without kidnapping, hopefully. I’d get why you might not want to though, considering the whole robbery-kidnap-stun gun stuff._

_Maybe we could actually catch that Ikebana exhibit?_

_Give me a call. If you want._ _¯\\_(ツ)_/¯_

_-Seongwoo_

Minhyun’s sharp laugh evolves into bubbling giggles when he looks back at the shrug in the note. Seongwoo actually hand wrote the emoji (he even wrote the Japanese Katakana _tsu_ almost perfectly) and there’s something very sweet, very honest about that.

So sweet Minhyun saves his number into his phone right there. Still lying on his back on the bench, he begins to feel the sore impact of the taser on his left side and puts a hand on what is sure to be a bruise. Jihoon, that little monster—still, Minhyun isn’t going to fault him too much for viciously protecting his band of thieves. Minhyun was an unknown variable and he needed to be removed. Via electricity. What a weird bunch.

At least he’s not dead. And hey, now he has a date to the Ikebana exhibit.

 

**Author's Note:**

> surprisingly chill minhyun and fluSTERED ong 
> 
> yes i know tasers dont really knock people out but nothing in this is plausible and jihoon is the new god so he gets to do what he wants and everything works out for him i dont make the rules
> 
> minhyun ships 2park apparently 
> 
> comments, kudos, laughter, bookmarks, all of that jazz. feed me. 
> 
> also, heeey, [hit me up on twitter](https://twitter.com/tinylittlebell)


End file.
